Thoughts on Commencing

As promised, here are my thoughts on graduation:

I mostly just feel old. And I'm not sure if I'm okay with how old I feel. When I was in elementary school, we used to talk about the seemingly impossible to reach 2011. 2011 seemed so far away that it almost didn't seem real. Now it doesn't seem like that long ago that we were talking about our graduation year on the playground. But it was.

But at the same time, I still feel young and goofy and stupid. I feel like there is still a little bit of room to make a few mistakes, even though I would rather not. I feel old, but I feel like I haven't changed much since my days on the playground, even though I know I have. So all in all it's a very confusing set of emotions and thoughts, which is probably why I waited until today to process them and write about it. I just couldn't handle it all yesterday.

I haven't cried. Which is weird for me because I'm one of those people who will cry in front of anyone about anything. I didn't cry during May Fiesta, I didn't cry at graduation, I barely even cried my last day of classes. The only reason I was crying then was because of newspaper, when I made the dreadful mistake of making a speech to my newspaper babies about how much I love them and appreciate them and made EVERYONE cry. And I cried when I read my yearbook entries, but I think that's because I just cry when people say nice things about me. Reading those made me a convoluted mix of sobbing and hiccuping and giggling on a blanket in my backyard while it was thundering. It was not one of my more dignified moments.

I'm a little worried my emotions have come to a general standstill and stoicism has just taken over for the time being. I'm concerned there's going to be a day when I'm going to crack and everything is just going to hit me all at once and I'll be a blubbering mess on a day where no one else is crying about anything and I'll just be sitting on my couch, sobbing, with no one to tell me to stop. There are times when I've thought about crying, but no tears were actually produced. So I don't really know what's happening to me.

But maybe I'm just not sad. I don't really know. I've been anxious to leave high school for a long time. I think I had such a hard time last year because I was in the phase where I was saying goodbye to a lot of people I loved a lot, but stuck in the same place, where I really had no interesting in being without them, anymore. But now that I'm moving on, I think there may be a little more excitement than sadness. That's not to say there won't be moments where I'm sad - I'm sure I'm going to be an absolute mess when it comes time to say goodbye to everyone at the end of the summer. And I know that, for a bit, I'm not going to be okay not having my people. I'm sure I'll eventually get over it at least a little bit, but it will take some adjusting. And I'm going to miss this year's juniors who we're leaving behind in our places, who are right now begging us not to leave.

So, even though this blog has basically been a lot of word vomit, those are my thoughts. Or the thoughts I've been thinking since yesterday, at least. I hope they make some sort of sense.